Self-awareness is the key but it is painful.
I grew up in a conservative family where there was no ‘I’. It was common for the elders to sulk over what others had to say about their families and decisions. As a youngster, having an opinion or even stating a choice or a desire was forbidden because we had elders to do all that on our behalf. The younger generation always hesitated to announce, I want…; We never uttered a no. The consequences were not always favourable.
Individuality was an alien concept while growing up. We were expected to be and live like our elders, and inherit their traits and good habits. People relied blindly on others and did what was pre-planned for them. A very common example would be that sons were encouraged to pursue engineering and daughters were pushed towards Medicine. Whenever asked, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’, we never told the truth but spoke what we had been taught. Everyone followed the rat race without ever realising their true identity or worth.
Understanding that there is a ‘self’, and an ‘I’ was difficult. Realising that I was very different from the people around me was an eye-opener. It was very late in my life that I began to distance myself from the ideology that I was raised with. I began to look within and acknowledge that I was a different person, a human with my own mind and heart, very capable of taking decisions and having an opinion or picking up habits of my own. I began to ask basic questions about my aims, my desires, and my likes and dislikes. In this decade-long process, I began to truly see myself. Of course, I did carry a few characteristics of my parents, which I learned to cherish.
I was meant to see light in the end, but with every step towards self-discovery, I began to see the darker shades in my life. I began to find things that might never work for me, even if I had managed until now. I began to identify people that I might have to push away for good. I was able to make sense of my relationships. I realised that I might not do well around people, and this gave meaning to my behaviour, which was merely social anxiety. I began to distance myself from everyone, fearing they might dislike me or find me odd because I wasn’t like them in any way. For years, I’ve lived with the fear of rejection and abandonment for the same reason. I recently was able to recognise and name the sources of my lifelong trauma, and however difficult it was, I learned and unlearned a lot of things about myself.
Coming face-to-face with my true self has never been easy. It has pushed me into depression and sometimes pulled me out of a cave. There are times when I’m proud of myself and my achievements, and then there are days when I’m so self-critical that I punish myself with harsh words like, Others are better than me! Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I do what others do? Why can’t I follow what they do?
It is easier to ask someone to work towards self-awareness but to actually commit to the process not only takes years but can also be quite daunting if you have been living in the dark all your life. As a word of caution, be prepared before starting your journey toward self-discovery.
We shouldn’t forget that while we are in the process of becoming our true self, some will fail to see the real us or may not accept that version of us. They may judge us and sometimes hurt us. We’ll have to cut off those dead branches in order to flourish.
And, most importantly, always forgive yourself. For every little thing that you unearth.
Be safe, dear reader.
